The Wrong Way to Spice Things Up
“It was the first date with my then, new girlfriend of two weeks. She likes spicy food, so I decided to put on my apron and prepare a Malaysian tofu dish that had jalapenos in it (bear in mind I had never worked with them before). Whilst preparing this meal, I went to use the bathroom and returned to the kitchen to finish up. By then, I had noticed a growing warmth in my nether regions but gave no thought since I was standing pretty near the stove.
However, in a matter of minutes I suddenly felt an overwhelming pain and it hit me: the jalapeno oils had gotten onto my hand. I rushed to the shower but unfortunately it did little to alleviate my pain. As if not unlucky enough, my girlfriend finally popped over, so I decided to suck it up and grin through it.
An hour or two into our home date the pain had subsided and I had pretty much forgotten about it by then. We went into my bedroom and started making out, with me reaching down into her pants. Midway through our session, she suddenly mentioned that she felt a strange warm sensation down below. It must have been the look I had on my face when she heard this, because the next thing she did was to race into the shower. A second later, I heard a loud thud and ran into the bathroom. As I reached for the door, it suddenly slammed open, right into the stub of my toe. As I winced from the pain, I looked down and saw that she had slipped, on the puddle of water I left when I showered earlier.
Suffice to say, we ended up catching a movie on the couch, nursing our wounds with no mood to do anything else for the night.”
The Cat Fish
“Years ago at a festival, I met a girl who implied that she was 25 (I was 18 then, and a broke-ass student). We hit it off fairly well, and I decided to meet her again the next day, driving my motorcycle an hour to find her.
We went for a light dinner, where she tried to pay for the tab but suspiciously, every single one of her credit cards were declined. I then picked up the tab and we headed to the next place, a nearby bar for some light drinks.
At the bar, we ordered our drinks and when the bartender asked for her ID, she very carefully and deliberately handed it to him, as if trying to shield the card from me. “Perhaps she’s just shy, after all nobody looks good in their ID”, I thought to myself.
After a few beers, we decided to head off and for some weird reason, she proposed to get down and dirty in a public location. After driving around for a while, we decided to pull over at a local college campus, thinking it would be fine. A few minutes later, the local police suddenly showed up, as if knowing what we were up to. Unexpectedly, she broke into tears and had a total meltdown about whether or not she was going to be arrested. Luckily, the officer just left us with a stern warning and we decided to head back to her place.
When we got there, we started making out and all. She excused herself mid-way to the bathroom, asking me to stay in bed and wait for her obediently, which I ignored of course. I decided to take a look around her room, and I saw her yearbook lying around. Feeling curious, I opened it up and took a peek, and what I saw shocked me. She looked completely different, and the worst part was that I realised her graduation date meant she was about almost turning 40 this year. Horrified, I grabbed my clothes and without bothering to dress myself, ran out and drove myself right back home.
A week later, I visited my parents and they told me that a strange woman had been calling multiple times looking for me. How she knew my home number is still a mystery to me today."
“It’s Like an Episode of True Blood”
“It was the end of 2017, and my boyfriend and I were still in college back then so we decided to spend the night in, in his college dorm room.
We decided to end the year with a bang, and got down to doing the deed. We turned the lights off, thinking it would make things a little more romantic. I was laying down while he was on top, and in the midst of getting comfortable, I accidentally kicked him in the face. He reeled back from the shock, and I asked if he was alright. Sputtering from the pain, he managed to squeeze in a, “yeah I’m fine, let’s continue”, so I paid no heed and we resumed.
Halfway through, I noticed that there was something dripping on my face. Thinking it was a leak in his room, I made a mental note to check his ceiling later. Few minutes passed and it wouldn’t stop dripping, more so as it went on. A couple of drops landed on my mouth and as I tasted it, realised it kind of tasted a little metallic yet familiar. I started worrying, calling his name to get his attention but unfortunately, he took it that I was getting into the moment and didn’t stop. Finally, I protested and pushed him off to turn the lights on as something felt off.
As the light flooded the room, we looked at each other in pure horror. Both our faces were covered in blood; I had never seen anything like it. Turned out my kick was more powerful than I had thought, and his nose had been bleeding profusely. We both looked like vampires who had finished feeding off each other, and I realised it had gotten all over my body too, even the sheets. We both felt mortified, apologised to each other profusely for some reason and proceeded to wash ourselves up.
Now when we catch any movies involving copious amounts of blood, we’d shift uncomfortably in our seats knowing something similar happened to us.”
“My boyfriend and I had been planning for a sexy night for a long time, with our schedules being so hectic and all.
I was taking a quick shower before him, and he told me he didn’t mind if I “warmed up” first and get ready while he prepared some snacks in the kitchen. I obliged and proceeded to get all my toys out after I came out of the bathroom.
As I reached down to the lowest drawer to take them out, I must have pulled a nerve in my neck or shoulder, because the next thing I knew I had multiple cramps down my arm and shoulder, even to my legs. This left me stuck in a very vulnerable, bent over position and I started to panic. I called out to my boyfriend, and there he comes running.
As he bursts into the room, he sees me standing dripping wet and naked from the shower in that position, and for some odd reason he took that as an invitation to get hot and heavy. In my horror, I realised what had happened and before I could start protesting, he starts taking off his clothes and proceeded to kiss me all over my body, which only intensified the cramps I felt; I let out a squeak and he must have taken that as a moan, because the next thing I knew he started making love to me. Perhaps that helped somewhat, because I felt my legs loosening up and the first thing I did was to kick to see if they were functioning again. Not known for my accuracy, I accidentally kicked him in the family jewels, and he backed away wincing in pain, rolling on the floor clutching his nether regions. I too, fell to the floor as my cramps came back again, and the both of us were just lying on the ground like a pair of wounded soldiers, except we were completely stark naked.
The next half an hour was spent recovering from our ordeal, and me explaining to him how I ended up in that position. Now each time before anything happens between us, he’d cautiously ask, “cramp-free right?”
Now that we have read some of the worst romp stories, hopefully the new year will bode better bedroom experiences for all of us. If all else fails, at least you know you’ve got protection covered with us. 😂